Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone PS1 Game Still Haunts Me
My most Boomer take (apart from the music being too loud in most bars) is that video games these days are unnecessarily new and fancy. Give me shitty graphics and character making sound effects that can only be described as a “bog witch with IBS fighting for her life on the toilet after eating ice cream” – absolutely fucking miserable qualities Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone The PS1 game was granted to me when I played it religiously as a kid.
Okay yes, JK Rowling is a transphobic toad and loads of characters in Harry Potter bore the most atrociously racist names. Additionally, a number of actors have come out of the woodwork to announce that they are supporting Miss Transphobia (Tom Feltonwe were all rooting for you).
But I feel like there’s still room to recognize the baked-in nostalgia of the Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone PS1 game. It was filthy, but also extremely iconic.
Choose Your Harry Potter PS1 Fighter pic.twitter.com/4D9SmLPChb
— Hélène (@Hélène) August 2, 2017
If you played the game, the phrase “Hagrid PS1“may ring a bell because he was one of the many cursed characters that made the game so awful. Just a huge, cubic pixel chunk with a face that looked like a frying pan.
Those arched brows were absolutely ripped off, though.
But you know what wasn’t a service? The truly demonic way the animators designed Professor Quirrell.
Like: what was that? Did he just let out a loud, gigantic sneeze?
And what about that?
I can’t even figure out who this character was supposed to be. I think they were selling beans all flavors of Bertie Bott on Diagon Alley which were most definitely poisoned or at the very least just the phlegm and navel fluff flavors.
Either way, they were definitely giving “don’t buy Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans from SHEIN”.
Then there was that fucking motherfucker Peeves. The animators clearly tried to portray him as a poltergeist, but they didn’t try hard enough.
I will concede that Peeves has props to rock a delicious smokey eye that would have Sky Ferreira tremor. But why did he have the same haircut as one of the Prince William and Kate Middletonis it the children? Shouldn’t he have had a little jester’s hat? Fiasco.
Here we have Madame Hooch, who has clearly seen man-made horrors beyond our comprehension and doesn’t know how to move on with her life.
She also absolutely said “Fuck me, fam” when the hairdresser asked her what she wanted.
Meanwhile, Snape looked like the pirate version of Jason Schwartzman in Marie Antoinette.
Forget that Harry Potterget this guy in a Wes Anderson Where Sophie Coppola movie, STAT.
Now, as a professional writer, it’s not often that I’m at a loss for words. But seeing the animated version of what I can only assume is Fat Lady’s portrayal absolutely blew me away for six years.
Uneven trap muscles. The fact that the animators gave the fat lady good horns. His absolutely disgusted face, which looks suspiciously like the one I shoot when my hand touches something gross while washing the dishes. The way one side of his face is almost a dead straight vertical plane. Harry Potter’s Tiny Frame. Absolute chaos.
Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Draco Malfoy also puzzled me. The first two were built like cabinets while Malfoy’s head was shaped like a coffee table.
I don’t even want to know what happened to his arm. Did he eat too much salt and was horribly bloated, or did the animators just give up? We’ll never know.
Well, wasn’t that a wild ride? I have so many questions for the animators responsible for this monstrosity, the most pressing being: why? And: who hurt you?
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Source: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone / Electronic Arts